It hasn't been a long time since my last miscarriage, but I know how alone I felt and I knew I had to share my story. I mainly wrote it down as therapy. I knew that if I shared it that maybe one women would at least know she wasn't alone.
My Husband and I got married June 2012, We had the most amazing honeymoon filled with love. We decided for me to stop taking birth control and to see what happens. I found out I was pregnant in October, 2012. Before I could celebrate or be happy, I started bleeding. I was so confused. Was I really pregnant? I took 6 tests and all were positive. I thought I was just 2 weeks late on my period, I was in denial that I was pregnant until I passed a small sac. I never really grieved it because I didn't believe it was real. A month after I had one of the most realistic and vivid dreams of my life. I saw Jesus in a white robe, holding a baby. He said " Its okay child, He will be okay, I will take care of him." I woke up and cried and felt a wave of something majestic. Some days I feel guilty about not letting this miscarriage sink in, and not properly grieving it. I named this baby Joey.
We got pregnant again in January,2012! I was so excited! I immediately called my mom to tell her the good news! My first week of knowing flew by and by week 5 I started getting tired and having pregnancy symptoms. Week 6 rolled by and my phone app said my baby then had a heartbeat.I grew more in love everyday.Week 7 and I thought wow, this is really happening. I'm going to be a mom. I secretly knew it was a girl, although that was something I kept to myself. I was 8 weeks 1day and then everything changed… I started spotting. I went right to my doctor for an ultrasound. I was so nervous and anxious , praying everything was okay. I was laying there staring at the ultrasound screen anxiously waiting for those words " here is your baby, this is the heartbeat…." But instead I hear " This right here is your gestational sac and It looks like the baby didn't develop properly." I was numb, I didn't even cry right away. She said that we would need to do a d&c. My doctor left the room and I took a picture of the screen , I sat there and stared at the empty sac, still in disbelief . I got in my car and lost it. I started bawling. I could barely breath. My husband called hoping for good news. The words came out of my mouth for the first time "The baby didn't make it". What? was his reply, "Are you okay. Where are you? I'm coming." I sat in the parking lot and my heart was literally hurting. My husband got there and got out and hugged me. I couldn't talk, I thought to myself,did I let him down? Why me? What did I do wrong? The following weeks were some of the hardest of my life. I was very upset. I didn't understand why I had to go through this. I dreamed about becoming pregnant for a while and imagined it to be so wonderful , my dream just became a nightmare. People didn't really know what to say to me. Some people avoided it, some people said it wasn't meant to be, some people said they were sorry and left it at that. I took a 2 weeks off of work… still awaiting my d&c. I was definitely in 7 stages of grieving and there was a clear sense of denial even after seeing 2 ultrasounds that clearly showed a non viable pregnancy. I thought maybe my tilted uterus is hiding the baby. The morning of the d&c was emotional. I went through the procedure and woke up feeling empty and alone, even though I had a nurse there. I went home and slept all day. I woke up the next morning and wanted to start getting through this.. I went through days of hopefulness and days of anger,bitterness and jealousy. I had a sadness that no one understood and a want for my baby that was so strong. I swear I saw a pregnant women everywhere I went, reminding me of what I wasn't capable of. The world around me was pregnant and I was just living in it. My mom kept reminding me that I would be a mom someday, but there was a worry deep in the pit of my stomach that it wouldn't happen. I didn't want to go out because I knew that I would keep seeing things would remind me of my loses. At times I would just lay in my bed crying . My mom and I came up with the name Stella for her. I wanted to start trying again after one cycle, and that is what we did. I didn't think I would get pregnant again right away and to be honest I was still scared.
I woke up on a Saturday morning in May and I just felt like I was pregnant. I thought that was silly because i would have only been 3 weeks 3days. I tested anyways. I got out a pregnancy test and nervously took it. I saw a faint but visible line! I started smiling, could it be? I got on my knees and thanked God. I felt so blessed, I felt like I was given another chance to have a sweet , beautiful baby. I rubbed my non existent belly/baby bump and said" Thank you for picking me as your mommy, I love you so much already". I wanted to get creative on how to tell my husband because the first two times I just told him. I got a onesie and ironed on I love my dad in Bosnian(my husbands first language) , along with the positive test. He was shocked and also informed me I spelled it wrong. I went right away for an HCG and progesterone test. I had a good feeling, I tried to stay positive. My Dr's nurse called me and said that the HCG was rising , but now like it should and that my progesterone was low. My heart sunk, and I said is there anything I can do. She said she called in progesterone and to pick it up right away and take it. I took the rest of the day off ,called my mom and rushed to the pharmacy. In my mind I thought that this couldn't happen again, I was so scared. I went to my moms house and there was a lot of crying and hugging. I hadn't even lost the baby yet nor did I know if I was going to lose it, but somehow I felt defeated. I even thought stupid things like well maybe I'm not meant to be a mom. My brother very quickly reminded me that I have so much love to give to a baby and that I was born to be a mommy to either my own biological baby or adopted baby. I had HCG tests every 2 days. The Dr was cautiously optimistic. My levels were still rising but not doubling every 2-3 days. At 6.5 weeks I got a miracle phone call, My levels doubled in 2 days. Finally the news I was desperate to hear! I cried tears of joy. We scheduled an ultrasound for the next week. I went to my ultrasound appointment and we didn't see anything but my Dr said it was probably too early, he saw a "hotspot" meaning that's where the baby implanted and was growing, it was just too early to see the babies heartbeat. I felt calm and I knew the next ultrasound we would see the baby. 3 days later , my life changed again. I started bleeding, i stayed calm and told myself that I was okay because I wasn't cramping. That night I passed a small clot and stayed in bed all day and the next days to come. A few days later I passed a large clot and I just knew that I would be miscarrying again, I started cramping and my world was shattered again. I went to the ER and passed a lot of blood. I had full on contractions. I tried to be at peace. I talked to my baby I named Anthony as I was miscarrying , and it helped me. I felt so broken, so useless. My body wasn't capable of carrying a baby. I wondered how people would perceive it. Once again "why me" kept popping up in my head. I knew I had to do something to figure out why I kept losing my babies. I did a lot of research and finally went to a reproductive endocrinologist. This journey has not been easy, it has been a roller coaster, a test of my faith,and a test of my marriage. I'm finally getting answers and feeling confident in my bodies ability to carry a baby. I haven't given up and I know I am strong. I'm not quite ready to tell my story to the world, but I want to someday. I want to help women who have gone through this. I want them to know they are not alone, because that is how I felt. The next part of my journey that I know will happen is holding a baby in my arms. That baby will be so loved and will have the 3 best guardian angels ever! For now this story is to be continued… (hopefully with a BFP (big fat positive), and booming HCG and progesterone levels)
My ultrasound photo showing an empty sac
The Necklace I made to remember my babies
If this is you, please don't give up. Know that you are not alone and know that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how dark the tunnel may be.
